Talking to Elderly Parents
About Funeral Music Wishes
A compassionate guide to starting one of life's most important conversations with honesty, respect, and love.
Why This Conversation Matters
Talking to elderly parents about funeral music preferences is one of the most important yet challenging conversations you'll ever have. While it may feel uncomfortable or premature, discussing these wishes ahead of time is a profound act of love that honors their life and eases the burden on family members during a difficult time.
Music plays a powerful role in memorial services, evoking memories and providing comfort to those who gather. When you know your parent's preferences in advance, you can create a service that truly reflects their personality, values, and the soundtrack of their life.
Choosing the Right Time
Natural Conversation Openings
- •After attending a funeral together: “That was a beautiful service. Have you ever thought about what music you'd want?”
- •During holiday gatherings: When family is together and the atmosphere is warm and connected
- •While listening to music together: “This song always reminds me of you. Is this one you'd want at your service?”
- •During estate planning discussions: When other end-of-life topics are already on the table
- •After a health scare: When mortality feels present but the immediate crisis has passed
💡 Pro Tip
Don't wait for the “perfect” moment. The best time is when your parent is healthy, alert, and capable of expressing their wishes clearly. Waiting until a health crisis makes the conversation rushed and emotionally fraught.
Times to Avoid
- •During active medical treatment or recovery
- •When they're experiencing grief or depression
- •In public settings where privacy is limited
- •When you're rushed or distracted
How to Start the Conversation
Gentle Opening Lines
The Reflective Approach:
“Mom, I was thinking about how much music has meant to you over the years. If the time ever comes, I'd love to know what songs would be meaningful at your service.”
The Practical Approach:
“Dad, I want to make sure we honor your wishes when the time comes. Have you thought about what music you'd want people to remember you by?”
The Storytelling Approach:
“I heard this song today and it reminded me of dancing in the kitchen with you when I was little. What songs hold the most meaning for you?”
The Family Legacy Approach:
“I want to make sure your grandchildren know the songs that were important to you. Can we talk about your favorites?”
What to Say If They Resist
If they say: “I don't want to talk about this”
Try: “I understand. This is just something I want to get right when the time comes. We don't have to decide everything today, but I'd love to know your thoughts whenever you're ready.”
If they say: “It doesn't matter, I'll be gone”
Try: “It matters to me and everyone who loves you. Your service will be our chance to celebrate your life and the music you loved.”
If they say: “I'm not dying anytime soon”
Try: “I know! And I hope we have many more years together. That's exactly why now is the perfect time to have this conversation—without any pressure or urgency.”
Questions to Guide the Conversation
Essential Questions
- •“What songs have been most meaningful to you throughout your life?”
- •“Are there any hymns or spiritual songs that bring you comfort?”
- •“What song reminds you of your happiest memories?”
- •“Is there music from your childhood or young adulthood that's special to you?”
- •“Would you prefer traditional hymns, contemporary songs, or a mix?”
- •“Are there any songs you definitely don't want played?”
- •“What message do you want the music to convey about your life?”
Follow-Up Questions
- •“Should we include songs from your heritage or cultural background?”
- •“Would you like live music, recordings, or both?”
- •“Is there a song that reminds you of your spouse or closest friends?”
- •“What tone do you want—celebratory, reflective, or a balance?”
💡 Pro Tip
Create a shared playlist together on Spotify or Apple Music as you talk. This makes the conversation more interactive and gives you a concrete record of their preferences. Learn more in our guide to creating funeral playlists.
Documenting Their Wishes
How to Keep Track
- •Written document: Create a simple list with song titles, artists, and specific versions
- •Digital playlist: Save songs on streaming services with clear labels
- •Audio notes: Record them talking about why each song is meaningful
- •Formal pre-planning: Include in funeral pre-arrangements with funeral home
- •Share with family: Make sure multiple family members have copies
Information to Include
For each song, document:
- •Complete song title
- •Artist or performer (specify version if multiple exist)
- •When to play it (entrance, reflection, exit, gathering)
- •Why it's meaningful (this helps with alternatives if needed)
- •Any special instructions (volume, live vs. recorded, etc.)
Common Scenarios and Solutions
When Parents Have Different Preferences
If your parents have different musical tastes, document both sets of preferences separately. Most services can accommodate a variety of musical styles, blending traditional hymns with personal favorites.
When They Can't Decide
Some parents find it overwhelming to choose. Suggest browsing curated lists together:
When Religious Views Differ From Yours
Honor their wishes regardless of your own beliefs. If they want gospel music or secular songs, that's what should be played. The service is about celebrating their life and values, not yours.
When They Want Unconventional Choices
If your parent wants rock music, jazz standards, or even humorous songs, embrace it. Authentic choices create the most meaningful services. Check our guides for rock, jazz, and celebration of life songs.
The Gift of This Conversation
While talking to elderly parents about funeral music may feel difficult, it's ultimately a gift to both of you. For them, it's an opportunity to reflect on a life well-lived and ensure their final service reflects their values. For you, it's the peace of mind that comes from knowing you'll honor their wishes exactly as they intended.
These conversations often become treasured memories themselves—moments of connection, storytelling, and shared music that deepen your relationship. Take your time, listen deeply, and remember that you're doing something profoundly loving.
For more guidance on funeral music planning, explore our complete planning guide and timeline.
Sarah Mitchell
Funeral Music CuratorFormer church music director with 15 years of experience helping families choose meaningful funeral music. Created YourFuneralSongs after losing her mother in 2019.